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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: How Can I Avoid the Friend Zone?
Letter #: 399985
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Hi my name is Dennis I am 20 years old and my problem is the fact that i don't make clear to a girl I am interest that I don't want from her to listen only her problems and comfort her and then be the 'girl'friend that she can tell everything, I ask my friends for advice but the only thing they say is in happens on its own , but in my case it never happens. I thought about it but saying as soon as I see a girl 'Hi I am Dennis ,and I am looking for a girlfriend would you like to get to know each other better and go a date ' first of all this line is too embarrassing for me to say and probably creepy for her I read some advice in net too they said something like make her thing that you are interest without saying it clear but I still did not understand.

So my question is how do I make it clear to her that i don't want to be her therapist but her lover?

Elder Response

Dennis, the good news is that some girls want to confide in you. This tells me you must be a decent listener- a skill many people do not have. The further "good news" that your ability to show interest in the other person will help you grow your friend base......because we all like people who take an interest in us.

Now for the bad news. As you said, you would like a little romance in your life. I mean, hearing about some girls date gone bad is fine to a point. YOU want to be the date! So, what to do? As your friends have told you, it takes time for people to find the right "chemistry" upon which to base a romance.  In the mean time, I would suggest two steps-

1. Continue being accessible to the girls who find comfort in taking to you. Begin to isolate the one or two ladies who you THINK you could be attracted to- emotionally and physically. As you talk with them, look for opportunities to take relationship to the next level. By that I mean don't jump in and say "Wanna go out sometime?" Instead, suggest getting a cup of coffee or joining you in the library to work on some study project. As you pursue these little steps, try to move the conversation towards things you have in common. Let's say music appeals to both of you. Keep talking about it. Relationships usually develop when two people trust each other (which takes time) and share common interests. As for blurting out,"I want to be your lover, not therapist," my sense is this may work in the movies but seems a little needy- though there may be some make or break moment when the line might be worth the risk. 

2. You may find that this attempt gets you no where. That try as you may, you can't get past a very cursory level relationship. When this becomes clear, it's time to expand your potential girl friend base. In the spirit of what I suggested earlier, find people who share your interests. And, to repeat myself, take care to move slow at first......unless the Gods just send down a lady who simply says, "I'm yours, Dennis!"  You can always hope, right.

Dennis, there are many possible matches for you out there. Continue to show interest in people but focus on people who look most promising and then get to doing things you have in common. You will know when the physical chemistry is right to suggest activities that imply romantic next steps- like offering to make her dinner.

I hope this was helpful. Feel free to write back Dennis and best of luck.

Best Regards,



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