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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: His sexual history bothers me
Letter #: 400685
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Okay so I have known my current boyfriend for over a year now and we have been officially dating for six months. I was a virgin before i met him and have never had a boyfriend. I made him wait seven months before having sex because I told him I was waiting for someone that cared about me more than just sex. A few months after having sex for the first time and dating, I found out that he has slept with over 20 girls.

I was so upset. It still bothers me. When I had asked before we had sex he said "not that many" so I thought it was okay. He said he didn't tell me bc he knew I would freak out. He had dated a girl for five years and after they broke up for about 5 years he had sex with a little over 20 girls. He said it was bc he had a broken heart and bc he was young and stupid. Some of the girls were friends with benefits so they lasted longer than one night stands. It just bothers me so much to think about him with so many different girls. I feel like I'm not good enough sometimes. I feel like he doesn't actually care about me or doesn't love me and that i am temporary. I can't help but feel like he wants other girls bc he's been with so many. I looked into his instagram and snapchat and he follows all girls on there and he had pictures of girls in his phone camera roll. This was around the time that I found out about how many people he slept with, I confronted him about all the girls on his insta and stuff.

I don't know what to do, I really like this kid but that stuff really bothers me. I need advice.

Elder Response

Thank you for your letter. I can't tell you not to let this bother you but I can ask you, why does it bother you? Is it because you don't feel he loves you? It seems that he's had lots of chances to be with other girls and he's chosen you. Isn't that a good thing? You could date a boy who'd never had any other relationships and he might someday feel like he wanted to find out what other girls were like and end up leaving you. Your boyfriend has already experimented with other girls and is happy with you. The fact that he has pictures of other girls and follows girls on social media doesn't necessarily mean anything. Don't you have friends that are boys?

This is really about you and your level of security with yourself. These other girls aren't a threat to you or your relationship unless you make being with them more desireable than being with you. There is nothing attractive about a needy person, who's jealous and possessive. He was willing to wait until you were ready and it sounds like things were good until you found out how many girls he'd been with. His history was the same when you met him as it is right now. Nothing has changed except your attitude. He can't change his history so its up to you to change your attitude if you want to continue being in a relationship with him. Nagging him and causing drama about something that can't be changed will only make you unattractive. I suggest you find a way to accept his history as part of what makes him who he is today and understand  that if he wanted to be in a relationship with another girl, he'd be in one.

If you went shopping for a pair of jeans and had to try on 20 pairs until you found a pair that fit perfect; would'nt that last pair of jeans be special for you, knowing how hard it was to find them?

Best Regards,

SaraJ


    

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