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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: My Ex Was My Entire Support System
Letter #: 401122
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

I have been having a relationship with a man for four years. When staying with him for Easter I found out that he was seeing another woman. We had a row over this and now he will not answer my phone calls or emails(we live some distance apart). My family are dead so he was my only real friend. I am isolated and alone and have no one to help and support me. He has been violent to me on occasions. For four years we spoke on the phone daily and I visited him on school holidays. (I am a teacher). I feel totally lost now that he is gone from my life. I need someone to advise me.

Elder Response

I have read your message and do have some ideas. Please consider what I have to say and then make your own decision.

A long distance relationship is difficult at best.  When you aren't near people you usually have trouble learning all about each other.  You can't  feel and see how each respond to different scenarios.  Its hard to have objective discussions because you can only guess how the other is responding.  When you are across the table you can see body language and whether they are learning your style.

Kay, I see several red flags in your relationship.  You have evidence that he has cheated on you at least once.  He may, and probably has, cheated more than once but you just haven't learned of it, don't you agree.

Whenever someone tells me that their partner has been violent with them I am aghast.  Mental violence is bad enough but physical violence is totally unacceptable.  My experience tells me that when a man is physical with his woman he will probably increase that activity with enough time.  I think, from what you have said, that he hasn't made efforts to improve and I, therefore, believe that you will receive more of the violence you have earlier experienced.

My questions to you are 1) are you truly interested in a guy who has proven to be a cheater?  Without serious improvement and work those types of things will only get worse.

2) Do you truly want to be with a guy who uses you as a punching bag?  I know and believe he always says he is sorry and won't do it again.  Kay, violent men always promise to cease the physical activity and, unfortunately, it usually gets worse.

If you two lived close I would suggest counseling but you aren't.  Counseling is sometimes helpful when two people make promises to improve and develop a sound, loving relationship.  I doubt that you can do that in this situation.

You have made it clear that part of the problem is that you are so lonely.  I understand your loneliness but believe me, being with a violent cheater is never the answer.

In my opinion you should cut your losses and make arrangements to go it on your own.  I know it is difficult but this matter will only become more difficult with time.

You can find a man who loves you, for you, and will treat you with respect and devotion.  A man who will not stray and will make sure you understand his connection to you.

Please give my suggestions some thoughts and understand that things will get better with time, only not with this guy.

Best Regards,

Phil


    

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