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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

FRIENDSHIP: Friend Isn't Very Friendly
Letter #: 402657
Category: Friendship

Original Letter

my friend always starts drama with me because of my boyfriend who she is totally convinced he is a terrible person. so she called this girl a bitch and i told my boyfriend and he told the girl and she confronted my friend. and it all came back to me. she called me a backstabbing bitch a fucking devil and she said she was tired of me. to me it sounded like she didn't want to be friends and when i asked if we should still be friends she'd go on and complain about something else. and then when i finally accepted the fact that she didn't want to be my friend she comes back and apologizes. and i have no idea what to do anymore.. and this isn't the first time we've fought. but lately i just feel like she's always judging me because i like expensive things .. and she wanted me to breakup with my boyfriend because it would make her happy. but i'm not all about to ruin my relationship just because she can't be happy for me. 

i really just don't know if i should be friends with her anymore. she's supposed to be my best friend but lately it doesn't seem like that and we've known each other for 4 years so i don't know.

Elder Response

The length of a relationship doesn't define the quality of it. It sounds like you have a toxic "frienemy" and you're spot on. She is not your friend; she is a drama queen - who sadly loves being mixed up in drama on a regular basis, for whatever reason. Perhaps because it brings her attention. Who knows, and frankly, you don't need to care about it. 

You are so right - how she feels about your relationship or her opinion of it, should not persuade you in any way. Long term successful relationships, be they friends, bf/gf, spouse, family, boss, or co-workers are all based on three values as a foundation for the relationship. The values are trust, respect and honor. If those values don't exist, the relationship can't last. 

Listen to your gut; she doesn't deserve to be your friend. She called you awful names. Of course it is a good idea to forgive her in your heart, because you don't want to stay stuck with the betrayal and disrespect she heaped on you. Then, you can choose to not include her in your life. Avoid drama with her, just quietly move away from her; and don't call, text, or communicate with her on social media. When she asks, and she will, just say you're busy. You don't need to offer her an explanation, because you don't answer to her. 

If she reacts negatively, you can decide if you want to remove her from your social media and contacts, and even block her.  If you want her to call the shots in your relationship with her then do nothing, and she will continue to treat you, as she's been treating you. Anna, I think you deserve better. If for whatever reason you have time for a bff in your life, a new relationship will blossom on its own. 

Relationships that last, can't be forced. You'll have a number of people you consider friends move in and out of your life, over your lifetime. It is rare for anyone to have a lifetime friend; people mature, interests change, life gets in the way. 

Get back to accepting the fact that she doesn't really even know how to be a friend. She doesn't enrich your life, she detracts from it. It makes her feel important and validated to get attention, even negative attention. You don't have to be part of that scene. 

Listen to your intuition, be kind to yourself Anna. 

Thank you for using EWC as your online advice site. We are here for you any time. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you. 

Best Regards,

Irene


    

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