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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

OTHER: Not Sure If I'm Gay, Straight, or Bisexual
Letter #: 403095
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Hi, I'm a girl and I just recently turned 13 and I've been seriously questioning my romantic and sexual attraction towards girls and boys. I have recently been looking into all the different sexualitys and what it means to only be attracted to boys, girls, both, (etc) And I don't want to come across as some young kid going through a phase of thinking their "sexually attracted" to girls or boys.. I understand that at the age I am right not it's not okay to be trying these things and I don't have any intentions to. 

But I still feel these things.. for awhile I was sure that I was Bisexual, since I feel attracted to both boys and girls, but then I started to go deeper into the different ways of feeling "attracted" to someone.. I sorta put myself in the place of actually going out with a boy and I really liked the idea of having a boyfriend. But then I imagined going out with a girl, and I wasn't so sure.. I'm not sure if I don't really like the idea of dating a girl just because it's not the norm for a girl to do that with another girl or what, but I felt a different attraction to girls.. Like a attraction that makes me want to put myself on the other girl.. Like a sexual attraction to girls.. I feel ashamed of thinking this way towards girls because I know I'm only 13 and should not be thinking about sexual stuff.. but I don't know.. And when I thought of getting "sexual" with a guy I got really grossed out.. Just the idea of a penis grosses me out.. 

So basically, I feel romantically attracted to boys, like I want to date them, but would never feel sexual towards them. And I feel sexually attracted to girls, but don't like the idea of dating or being in a relationship with one.. does that mean I'm still Bisexual? Is this a normal thing to feel? Or am I over thinking it.. Im really confused.. I need advise Thanks.

Elder Response

Hello, Sierra. Thank you for writing to us at EWC. I hope we can support you through your questions and concerns. Let me start out by saying a lot of your concerns for a 13 year old are quite normal. What I am pleased to see is your honesty and also that these are more thoughts and admitting you are too young to act upon them. Even if you never mentioned the word bisexual, i agree with you that 13 is a very young age to having sex with anyone.

Around the age of middle school age, girls and boys do a lot of fantasizing about romance with a teacher, or high shool person, or a movie star, or someone of the same sex. This is one reason why I personally don't think it is a good idea to meet potential daters online. The fantasizing heighens greatly. Unfortunately, this is where a lot of preditors seek out young girls or boys as well. So, be careful with the internet too.

As far as you wondering if you are a lesbian or straight or bisexual, right now you may be putting too much pressure on yourself. I think is is certainly OK to wonder, but this is not something that you have to decide immediately. As long as you are open to honesty with yourself, the truth about your identity will unfold in time. Your identity as being a lesbian, straight, or bisexual is more than a sexual identity. It is who you are as a human being - all of you. It was decided when you were born (perhaps when you were forming in your mother's womb). It is not something you wake up one day and decide this is who you are. So, be gentle with yourself. And give yourself time to truly get to know yourself.

I want to share something about myself. I am a lesbian and married to a woman. When I was your age, I liked boys and it wasn't until I was in high school did I ask myself the same questions as you are asking yourself. But I never heard the word bisexual back in the 1960s and really never knew what sex was about with any gender come to think about it. I got married to a man and had his son. It wasn't until several months after we got divorced that I actually fully came out to myself. Up until them, i periodically just wondered. I am sharing this with you because we all discover who we are at different times in our lives. Again, it is so important to be gentle with one's self, as well as being honest. 

EWC has the following information on its resource page. I encourage you to look at it. Whether or not you want to look into it is strickly up to you. It is at least one source that seems quite good for added information and added support.

LGBT National Youth Talkline. Phone: 1-800-246-7743. Serving youth up to age 25. Peer-counseling, information, and local resources. Services are free and confidential. http://www.glbthotline.org/youth-talkline.html

I wish you peace within and all good. Take care. Grandma-Lucy

Best Regards,



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