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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

FRIENDSHIP: Best friend distancing herself
Letter #: 403720
Category: Friendship

Original Letter

Hello, I need advice of what to do with a long time friend. I have a friend that has been a very close person in my life for the past 10 years she says I'm her best friend. but lately the past year it feels like she is distancing her self from me more and more every day. Every time I bring it up to her she acts all hurt to me and it changes for a day or two then goes right back. She only really ever talks to me now when she has something going on she wants to vent about it, and any time I try and bring up stuff going on in my end she says I'm being too whiney/needy. Never wanting to hang out anymore making excuses of why we can't hang out but then I find out it was lies and she's hanging out with a new group of friends she made. My girlfriend and few other friends says she's changed and I should just move on but I don't know what to do. I don't want to throw away a friendship I've had for 10 years one we've both helped each other through rough times in our lives. But at same time its emotionally draining dealing with it now and I'm so lost and confused and hoping to find help from an outsider looking in.

Elder Response

People move in and out of our lives as we all grow and change. It can be difficult and hurtful sometimes. My dad used to say that you can count your "real" friends on the fingers of one hand. Those are what are sometimes called "golden" friendships--the kind that last for a lifetime. Most friendships aren't that permanent, but they can still be wonderful while they last.

Brooke, my suggestion is that you expand your circle of friends. You don't have to break up your current friendship, or be mean. Just move on and make new friends who can more fully meet your requirements of friendship.

When I was young, I had three roommates whom I dearly loved. Two of them I've kept in contact with (although not often, as we no longer live in the same town and have moved on with our lives). The third one dropped me like a dirty shirt when she married her husband--for no other reason than her husband didn't like the church I attend. I was very hurt for a while. She was my maid of honor at my wedding. I came to realize that if she would drop me as a friend after all the fun times we had and all the things we went through together, then she wasn't much of a friend after all. I don't hold a grudge, and if I were ever to see her on the street (and she does live in a nearby town, so that is a possibility), I would smile and maybe even initiate a hug for old time sake. However, I realize that whatever good memories I have of our past friendship are just that--good memories. We will never again have that close relationship.

I'm not sad about the loss of that friendship anymore because I've had many good friendships since then. As people move in and out of our lives, we can take the good feelings and memories with us. Don't let the loss of a friend ever cloud your happiness.

I hope I've helped in some way. If you have other questions or problems in the future, please write to Elder Wisdom Circle again. We are here to help.

Best Regards,



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