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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Hard Past Is Affecting My Future
Letter #: 405886
Category: Self-Improvement

Original Letter

Hello, I don’t want this email to be incredibly lengthy, but I’ve had a lot of hard things happen in my life. To me, my mother and father, my brother and my family at large. The issues concerning me have left me in (inconsistent) dips of depression, low self esteem, consistently second guessing, worrying, trust and dependency issues, and so on. Its having a big effect on my life as of late and I don’t know what to do. I’m finally- for once in my life in a great relationship with a guy who respects me and loves me and cares about me and wants to take care of me. But sometimes the smallest things leave me questioning, or needing reassurance from him, or getting overly upset. Most of it isn’t his fault, I know that some of these problems are caused by things I’m just afraid to go through again. These overall feelings make me feel like I’ve never truly dealt with everything I was handed in my past, and that it’s starting to effect to future.

I a believer of therapy and considered it many times, but I never considered myself to have the financial ability to pay for more than one session. And since I know it would probably take more than that, Ive just never done it. Ive started back looking, and Im trying to find something that I think will fit and help me. But until then I just feel like I need help. It helps to get reassurance from other people, but when no one else is around or when no one else knows, I need to be able to help myself too. But I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to stay positive when I feel miserable. Your advice is truly appreciated, Irene

Elder Response

Your internal dialog may prevent you from being able to talk yourself through a situation where you feel uncertain, scared, or just plain weak. Yet talking yourself through situations may be just what you need to do, Irene. Your internal dialog needs to include 'I can do this' type of messages to yourself. 

Today I caught an article on 'resets' where two women had purposely changed their lives for the better... instead of continuing common routines. They picked changes that opted for health. I think that that is where you could start in order to boost your ability to deal with the inevitable issues that come up in life. One of these women took Yoga classes and drank vegetable smoothies to improve herself. The other took kickboxing classes and learned to meditate. Choose some changes or resets that help you improve your overall health and confidence in yourself. These can't hurt and will almost assuredly help. 

Another thing to try is hesitating before acting on feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty. Hesitate before you ask your significant other or someone else for help. See whether you can, internally, give yourself the boost you seem to need to make a decision. Remember that sometimes there is no right decision, but, generally speaking, doing something, anything, is usually better than doing nothing if there's a problem. 

Irene, you have to know that your feelings of uncertainty, low self esteem, flickering depression, worry, distrust, and dependency can seriously injure a relationship. Try not to act on such feelings... as I said above. Try during those times of weakness to bolster yourself with positive thoughts and self assurances. Remember that when you ask your partner for help with such feelings he may question whether you love and are certain about him. 

Lastly, look for practices that sort of 'jolt' you into a more positive place. Exercise often does that because it produces feel good endorphins. Sometimes just taking slow deep breaths relaxes and makes you feel more centered. Listening to calming music can help and so can stroking a pet. 

I hope my thoughts help you become positive when you're feeling miserable. Experiment with different approaches until you figure out how to give yourself what you seem to need. Write again anytime!

Best Regards,



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