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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Relationship in the dark - figuratively and literally
Letter #: 406035
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

I've been in a relationship with this man for 3 years and within the 1 year I got pregnant with our now 2 year old daughter. We moved in with his mother cause I wanted to be with him instead of living at my parents house. Well his mother decided to move out and find something better cause this place is a death trap in my eyes. Well she moves out and turns the lights off and we didn't have the money to get them turned on. Here we are 2 years later, no lights and I'm back living with my parents. I come every now and then to stay but not a whole lot cause it's summer and HOT! My question is...am I wrong for wanting to leave him cause he can't get the lights on?

Elder Response

There have been 3 years and a daughter between you and this man you love. However, he does not have the where-with-all to to get the electricity turned on in his mother's former house... a place she owns. What's with that?  

Melissa, if this man doesn't have the financial where-with-all to pay for the lights, he is not a good relationship prospect. You have a daughter now and need a man capable of working to, among other things, afford the electricity. 

By the time you have a child you need some financial security. Some you can provide by being able to work yourself; some your beloved can provide. It appears you two may have rushed; you don't know that he can support anyone. He's been living in his mother's unsafe abode. He, for one reason or another, has not been able to turn on the electricity. Makes me wonder whether this boy is willing or able to hold down a job. If he is not, he is not, despite your love for him, willing or able to function as a suitable husband and father. 

A mature relationship takes more than love in my humble opinion. Each partner must be willing to work to support the partnership. From what you describe, neither one of you earns a wage. You are dependent on your parents for shelter. He is dependent on his mother for shelter... and she won't provide electricity. He, for some reason, cannot or will not provide electricity. This makes the place he stays uncomfortable and unsafe. 

His inability to provide for the basics makes him a poor choice for a woman responsible for a child. Allow your parents to help you out for the time being. By the time your daughter is able to go to school, however, you might think about getting the skills necessary to earn a living so you can support yourself and your child. It seems the father of this child is not willing or able to do so. So you will need to figure out how to do this yourself! 

I hope I've been of help. Take good care of your little one! Write anytime. 

Best Regards,



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