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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: He keeps looking at other women
Letter #: 406939
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

I've been in a relationship for 5 yrs. When were out somewhere he always checks out other women.

Am I wrong to let it bother me? I don't think it's rite. Should I say somthing to him when he does it or let it go? I'm starting to not want to go out together whats the rite way to handle it

Elder Response

Boundaries are important in any relationship, Susan. In this case you are talking looking at other women. The problem that I see is that he has been doing this for five years already! I can understand if he does not see a problem after all this time. You did not set a boundary from the get go. Suddenly, you are expecting to stop it. I think that will be very difficult to change if at all.

What to do? I will address some courses of action.

The first one is the you can leave him if it is so difficult for you to keep dealing with that. If you have considered that, I would suggest for you to evaluate him using the whole person concept. Make a list of the positives and the negatives. In this case looking at other women. Does the good outweigh the bad? If no, then you may then want to leave him. If yes, then you  may need to find ways to cope with his habit. How? Sit down with him and let him know how you feel again. Perhaps tell him that you can't accept he does this when you are with him. Don't allow him to put down your feelings. They are your feelings and he should respect that. Try to find out a compromise that satisfies both of you.

If you decide to come-up with a compromise, you may ask him that you do not want him to see him looking at other women in front of you or the rest of the family. If it bothers you that much, tell him you can't go out with him to avoid feeling that way. That is a valid option. Hopefully he will respect your feelings about  because he loves you.

There are a couple of interesting YouTube videos that address how men and women see sex differently in general. They are from PragerU. They may help you look at this from a different perspective. I am not saying you will accept his behavior but you may be able to cope with it better and come-up with an acceptable compromise. The first one is "He wants you". The other one is "Men and the Power of Visual". You type them this way at YouTube. Take a look at them.
You said you don't think it is right. Well, feelings are not right or wrong. They are feelings. They are labeled by individual views. To you it may not feel right but to him it is right. So don't try to rationalize your views on this. You don't like it? That is fine and tell him so. Don't try to explain to him why it is not right. You will most likely will not convince him. Just address how it affects you and ask him to consider your feelings to come-up with some type of boundary. Some couples do not have a problem with looking at other people, in others one does and the other does not care about it, others compromise, etc. You negotiate with him on this one because, as I said, he has been doing this for five years. He has the perception that he he could do that and now he sees you as changing an implied agreement. Hopefully, you will come-up with an acceptable solution.

I hope this reply helped you. Feel free to write for further advice. We also welcome your feedback to let us know how you are doing. I think you will find a good solution. I believe you have the wisdom to keep a happy relationship for the rest of your life.

Best Regards,

Salvador


    

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